How can I make this better (PLEASE READ DETAILS)?

This doesn't really sound like a Southern accent--I live just about as north as you can get but I've read Huck Finn, seen Andy Griffith, and had all sorts of exposure to the dialect. If you're Southern, then maybe you know better than me, but this doesn't flow. While being purposely grammatically incorrect you're also writing things like "pause and ponder." Maybe it could work together, but I don't think this does.